The Step Beyond The Breath
"If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test" -The Dixie Chicks (Wide Open Spaces)
"Breathe" my mother used to tell me whenever I would begin to have a panic attack. I remember the feeling of her hand on my back as if it was yesterday. She was one of the most nurturing presences that anyone could hope for as a mother or friend. People knew her as Jackie, a woman who helped many regardless of what she was going through and since her passing in 2009 I have felt her around me many times. Love always survives death. Most often we remember the things that people we love teach us far beyond the moment of their passing.
I have always been a bit of an anxious person. The idea of learning to ground myself, balance myself and nurture myself has taken the back burner for a lot of my life because in my own experience of transition, grief and change I learned that healing is almost never 'comfy' but sometimes life brings us to a place where we are faced with our own things. Things that make us tick, cringe and panic. A woman named Iyanla Vanzant that I find very inspirational did a talk on this once and throughout the talk used the line 'There are some lessons that God would have us learn'. I felt that I connected with that line because it seemed like such a simple truth at a time of many complexities. A walk on a pitch dark night can seem overwhelming however when someone turns on a light it can be the clearest path home and through the unknown darkness you are able to find your way. It was a light bulb moment.
2013 was a bit of a challenge, I'll be honest. I know many people felt the post-2012 universal crack down and for me it was a major waking point. As an anxious person I have often had to hear 'It's going to be okay' as a reassuring remark from others. Validation is something that us stressballs tend to look for. I had always heard that strength is something that must come from within and if I learned anything that year it was to be strong. Strong doesn't mean not crying or not feeling anxiety. It doesn't mean that you have to feel like life is easy. It just means that you have made an agreement with yourself to reassure, validate and navigate the waters from within - after all it's hard to see the compass clearly for direction when somebody else is holding it. I made a promise that I would not define myself with the words of others no matter how harsh or beautiful they were. I decided to choose authenticity.
When I made that choice in my life the most obscure things began to happen. I began to talk. It wasn't talking for sake of talking but I began to actually say things. My voice appeared and as new convictions began to emerge from my awareness I felt that it was no longer my fears speaking on my behalf but it was my soul interacting with the universe around me. This oneness started to push me forward. I had many decision to make at that time. Some of the decisions were smaller mundane things but some were life-changing ones. Altering co-dependency is not an easy task and for the first time I was very nervous about the idea of being able to survive, standing on my own two feet, and even more nervous about the scary alternative. When you rely on others for support, validation and ability to perceive for so long it's incredibly hard to shift back into your own center but at a moment where there is 'lessons that God would have us learn' we can choose to walk through the fire. Fire is hot and it burns but it is also transformative and can teach us to move in whatever direction we feel called to move in. Fire can be extinguished by external forces although many times, after it appears to be out completely a gentle gust of wind will encounter the smallest ember and it will burst into a roaring flame. The fire that we walk through is no different than the fire that is within. It burns, it transforms, it moves, it goes out and then at the right moment it ignites.
When I walked away from my co-dependent situation I had no idea whether I would be able to continue burning. I felt like that ember. I remember on a morning during that time I began to feel anxiety about shifting my life. And then I heard a curious, familiar voice say 'Breathe'. I knew in that moment that it was my mother. I felt a presence standing beside me and as I was hoping for a moment of reassurance that gust of wind came and BOOM. I knew that I was going to not only survive I was going to live and because I decided this for myself I decided on happiness. I decided that I was going to achieve. I decided that no matter what I was going to trust in God through the people and experiences that I would encounter. I did this knowing that there would be moments where I would not feel this way and that in the moments of sadness and difficulty I might feel my faith shake. I knew that I would have ups and downs in my moods and that maybe that is the way that I am. But most importantly and most inarguably at least for a moment what I knew was myself. I felt that I saw myself with flaws and beauty and instead of not caring I did the opposite. I took my shortcomings and my talents and I opened that tightly bound box and gave it truth and purpose.
'There are lessons that God would have us learn' and by learning to 'Breathe' we can see the path with clarity. By taking back our own compass we can navigate the currents and by igniting the smallness that we sometimes perceive ourselves as we walk the fire and at the end of co-dependency we stand within our authentic greatness. Suddenly the darkness is no longer terrifying and then the light that is turned on is an action performed by our own hand. At that moment we are not only supporting ourselves but we are finding our bravery and we are moving through transition and anxiety guided by vision and volition. There will be many moments like this and each of them will forge a new level of our strength. In those moments where we take that big, new, step we are going beyond the breath.
I have always been a bit of an anxious person. The idea of learning to ground myself, balance myself and nurture myself has taken the back burner for a lot of my life because in my own experience of transition, grief and change I learned that healing is almost never 'comfy' but sometimes life brings us to a place where we are faced with our own things. Things that make us tick, cringe and panic. A woman named Iyanla Vanzant that I find very inspirational did a talk on this once and throughout the talk used the line 'There are some lessons that God would have us learn'. I felt that I connected with that line because it seemed like such a simple truth at a time of many complexities. A walk on a pitch dark night can seem overwhelming however when someone turns on a light it can be the clearest path home and through the unknown darkness you are able to find your way. It was a light bulb moment.
2013 was a bit of a challenge, I'll be honest. I know many people felt the post-2012 universal crack down and for me it was a major waking point. As an anxious person I have often had to hear 'It's going to be okay' as a reassuring remark from others. Validation is something that us stressballs tend to look for. I had always heard that strength is something that must come from within and if I learned anything that year it was to be strong. Strong doesn't mean not crying or not feeling anxiety. It doesn't mean that you have to feel like life is easy. It just means that you have made an agreement with yourself to reassure, validate and navigate the waters from within - after all it's hard to see the compass clearly for direction when somebody else is holding it. I made a promise that I would not define myself with the words of others no matter how harsh or beautiful they were. I decided to choose authenticity.
When I made that choice in my life the most obscure things began to happen. I began to talk. It wasn't talking for sake of talking but I began to actually say things. My voice appeared and as new convictions began to emerge from my awareness I felt that it was no longer my fears speaking on my behalf but it was my soul interacting with the universe around me. This oneness started to push me forward. I had many decision to make at that time. Some of the decisions were smaller mundane things but some were life-changing ones. Altering co-dependency is not an easy task and for the first time I was very nervous about the idea of being able to survive, standing on my own two feet, and even more nervous about the scary alternative. When you rely on others for support, validation and ability to perceive for so long it's incredibly hard to shift back into your own center but at a moment where there is 'lessons that God would have us learn' we can choose to walk through the fire. Fire is hot and it burns but it is also transformative and can teach us to move in whatever direction we feel called to move in. Fire can be extinguished by external forces although many times, after it appears to be out completely a gentle gust of wind will encounter the smallest ember and it will burst into a roaring flame. The fire that we walk through is no different than the fire that is within. It burns, it transforms, it moves, it goes out and then at the right moment it ignites.
When I walked away from my co-dependent situation I had no idea whether I would be able to continue burning. I felt like that ember. I remember on a morning during that time I began to feel anxiety about shifting my life. And then I heard a curious, familiar voice say 'Breathe'. I knew in that moment that it was my mother. I felt a presence standing beside me and as I was hoping for a moment of reassurance that gust of wind came and BOOM. I knew that I was going to not only survive I was going to live and because I decided this for myself I decided on happiness. I decided that I was going to achieve. I decided that no matter what I was going to trust in God through the people and experiences that I would encounter. I did this knowing that there would be moments where I would not feel this way and that in the moments of sadness and difficulty I might feel my faith shake. I knew that I would have ups and downs in my moods and that maybe that is the way that I am. But most importantly and most inarguably at least for a moment what I knew was myself. I felt that I saw myself with flaws and beauty and instead of not caring I did the opposite. I took my shortcomings and my talents and I opened that tightly bound box and gave it truth and purpose.
'There are lessons that God would have us learn' and by learning to 'Breathe' we can see the path with clarity. By taking back our own compass we can navigate the currents and by igniting the smallness that we sometimes perceive ourselves as we walk the fire and at the end of co-dependency we stand within our authentic greatness. Suddenly the darkness is no longer terrifying and then the light that is turned on is an action performed by our own hand. At that moment we are not only supporting ourselves but we are finding our bravery and we are moving through transition and anxiety guided by vision and volition. There will be many moments like this and each of them will forge a new level of our strength. In those moments where we take that big, new, step we are going beyond the breath.
