Hard-Wired
"Some say our destiny is tied to the land, as much a part of us as we are of it. Others say fate is woven together like a cloth, so that one's destiny intertwines with many others. It's the one thing we search for, or fight to change. Some never find it. But there are some who are led."
-Princess Merida (Brave, 2012)
-Princess Merida (Brave, 2012)
When I was somewhere between eight and eleven years old I was sitting in the Catholic church that was attached to the elementary school where I was a student. The priest stood at the front of the congregation and delivered a sermon on the concept of sin, atonement and asking for God's forgiveness. At that age, not so different than now, I had a compulsion to often say exactly what was on my mind or in my heart with little or no filter and often (in hindsight) to my own detriment. I was more often than not considered a little impulsive. I remember that it took every bit of restraint in that little self of mine to not say exactly what I felt inspired with, in that moment. A few years later, while cleaning my closet out, I came across a bunch of writing that I had done after church that day. It contained some pretty interesting theological concepts that were surely not taught to me in Sunday School. It talked about how God wants all of us to stand beside him and create the world, that God is never really angry with us and that God has a plan for everyone and everything on earth. Most of all it talked about how there was nothing that any person could do that would make God angry and hinted at the idea that because God is all loving that means that God is also all understanding. It's an interesting thought that no matter what we have done or what we think that we have done we are never so far out of God's understanding and love for us that we have to beg for forgiveness.
God has a plan. Can you hand it to me please? I have a few amendments I'd like to make in that human-life contract of mine...
Life on earth surely isn't easy. But I'm not entirely sure it was ever intended to be. Philosophers have tried to explain why we are here for the past few centuries. The definition of philosophy is the study of the fundamental principles and existence of being. There have been many, many theories for every aspect of human thought, feeling and life and yet the only clear concepts that most varying types of ideologies can seem to accept is the concept of 'There must be more' and 'We really don't know'.
I am going to be thirty years old this August. Until the past year or so I have dreaded it. Thirty can seem a little daunting for anyone in their twenties. When we are a teenager we seem to have this understanding of twenty years old as grow-up time. By twenty-five it definitely seemed a little like shape up or ship out and at about twenty-eight years old the thought of thirty was a little bit more like 'Oh fuck...'. It's also interesting that in astrology there is a common planetary aspect that happens just before thirty. It's known most commonly in western astrology as a Saturn Return. It is where Saturn returns to its initial place in your natal chart. Saturn is an interesting planet because it is considered a bit malefic in nature. As a planet that is often responsible for destruction it tends to shake up one's life at this time. It helps us to wake up, to let go of what no longer serves us in our lives and to break us down in some ways. This is not an easy process. For me it began on December 31st 2013. Life most assuredly was shaken up. I left a relationship that as no longer good for me and was faced with the difficult task of finding out who I was. Up to this point I had based a giant part of my identity on that which was given to me. My family history, my medical history, my relationship past, my education, my past career opportunities etc. Basically at the time of my Saturn Return I was:
"Grew-Up-With-Money-Borderline-Personality-Tranquilizer-And-Alcohol-Addict-Nursing-Drop-Out-Former-Television-Host-Giant-Homosexual-Respected-Medium-Temporal-Seizure. The Third..."
Okay, so I definitely added 'The Third' for flash factor but the truth is the journey to Matthew Stapley was something that I didn't exactly realize I had never truly been on. I had completely accepted the identity that was given to me based on the experiences that I have lived rather than what I felt those experiences were about. Do our experiences and our reactions to them give us, and subsequently the world, who we are? I would imagine that they can. But as much as they can, they also don't have to.
Over 2014 I decided to figure these things out, at least in my own world. I was pretty sure that my Saturn Return was going to do it for me if I didn't do it for myself. Going out into the world not knowing who I am was a bit like those dreams that people talk about where you show up to High School with no clothes on. The naked factor was that while I had come to the conclusion that I didn't exactly know much about myself it seemed that the people around me generally thought that they did. The truth is that they did in a sense. They knew my general reactions to things, what I like and what I don't, my impulsivity and spontaneity and that ice cream is generally a good bribe for just about anything.
Over that year I found myself in questionable situations that I never thought I would've asking myself questions that I had thought I knew the answers to: Would I do things that I never thought I would for things that I didn't think I'd ever want? Would drugs get a chance for a victory lap in my life? Feelings of unrequited love? Did I ever realize how much just cuddling meant to me? Can I be on my own? Will I survive? Is running away the same as self preservation?
The quote 'What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead' may have sufficed. I am so glad that I had some major help along the way from some very noteworthy people.
These questions may seem pretty every day for many -if not- most people and probably not a big deal in general. That said, I am a huge fan of the word relativity. For me these were huge and life altering questions. Everyone always says that you only have one life. I believe this is a true statement. Even if our souls reincarnate this doesn't change the fact that in this moment we are this identity.
I found the answers to those questions. At least for now. In answering them I also got a lot closer to an idea of my true identity. I feel at this point that our truths are not stationary. They are a continuum. There are plenty of things that will be changing for me, and like everyone, I can only hope for the best. The idea of God's plan for us as humans has never been more comforting to me. A single question can lead to an entire encyclopedia collection of answers and if life is as it appears to be it's probably more like an entire Wikipedia collection - things aren't ever fully answered and citations are often missing. However accepting that we are built in certain ways isn't always a bad thing. That God's plan isn't always destiny, fate, wrong, right or filled with temptations that we have to atone for later in some way. That it is a blue print with a fail-safe; ultimately we are always supported if we choose to see the world that way. We can all only do the best that we can and in doing so we become the greatest versions of who we are. There are some variables in our identities that we have to accept to make it through the moments where those qualities were ascribed to us. But they are just variables and regardless of how we are hard wired we can only be sure of one thing and that is if we allow this world to change us then it will, for better or worse. But if we allow this world to teach us then the lessons that we learn as a soul, as a part of God, as a piece of the puzzle of history we can exit this world, or any chapter of our life, as ourselves - improved.
I have a better idea of who I am and the variables that I am not. I'm looking forward to thirty.
God has a plan. Can you hand it to me please? I have a few amendments I'd like to make in that human-life contract of mine...
Life on earth surely isn't easy. But I'm not entirely sure it was ever intended to be. Philosophers have tried to explain why we are here for the past few centuries. The definition of philosophy is the study of the fundamental principles and existence of being. There have been many, many theories for every aspect of human thought, feeling and life and yet the only clear concepts that most varying types of ideologies can seem to accept is the concept of 'There must be more' and 'We really don't know'.
I am going to be thirty years old this August. Until the past year or so I have dreaded it. Thirty can seem a little daunting for anyone in their twenties. When we are a teenager we seem to have this understanding of twenty years old as grow-up time. By twenty-five it definitely seemed a little like shape up or ship out and at about twenty-eight years old the thought of thirty was a little bit more like 'Oh fuck...'. It's also interesting that in astrology there is a common planetary aspect that happens just before thirty. It's known most commonly in western astrology as a Saturn Return. It is where Saturn returns to its initial place in your natal chart. Saturn is an interesting planet because it is considered a bit malefic in nature. As a planet that is often responsible for destruction it tends to shake up one's life at this time. It helps us to wake up, to let go of what no longer serves us in our lives and to break us down in some ways. This is not an easy process. For me it began on December 31st 2013. Life most assuredly was shaken up. I left a relationship that as no longer good for me and was faced with the difficult task of finding out who I was. Up to this point I had based a giant part of my identity on that which was given to me. My family history, my medical history, my relationship past, my education, my past career opportunities etc. Basically at the time of my Saturn Return I was:
"Grew-Up-With-Money-Borderline-Personality-Tranquilizer-And-Alcohol-Addict-Nursing-Drop-Out-Former-Television-Host-Giant-Homosexual-Respected-Medium-Temporal-Seizure. The Third..."
Okay, so I definitely added 'The Third' for flash factor but the truth is the journey to Matthew Stapley was something that I didn't exactly realize I had never truly been on. I had completely accepted the identity that was given to me based on the experiences that I have lived rather than what I felt those experiences were about. Do our experiences and our reactions to them give us, and subsequently the world, who we are? I would imagine that they can. But as much as they can, they also don't have to.
Over 2014 I decided to figure these things out, at least in my own world. I was pretty sure that my Saturn Return was going to do it for me if I didn't do it for myself. Going out into the world not knowing who I am was a bit like those dreams that people talk about where you show up to High School with no clothes on. The naked factor was that while I had come to the conclusion that I didn't exactly know much about myself it seemed that the people around me generally thought that they did. The truth is that they did in a sense. They knew my general reactions to things, what I like and what I don't, my impulsivity and spontaneity and that ice cream is generally a good bribe for just about anything.
Over that year I found myself in questionable situations that I never thought I would've asking myself questions that I had thought I knew the answers to: Would I do things that I never thought I would for things that I didn't think I'd ever want? Would drugs get a chance for a victory lap in my life? Feelings of unrequited love? Did I ever realize how much just cuddling meant to me? Can I be on my own? Will I survive? Is running away the same as self preservation?
The quote 'What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead' may have sufficed. I am so glad that I had some major help along the way from some very noteworthy people.
These questions may seem pretty every day for many -if not- most people and probably not a big deal in general. That said, I am a huge fan of the word relativity. For me these were huge and life altering questions. Everyone always says that you only have one life. I believe this is a true statement. Even if our souls reincarnate this doesn't change the fact that in this moment we are this identity.
I found the answers to those questions. At least for now. In answering them I also got a lot closer to an idea of my true identity. I feel at this point that our truths are not stationary. They are a continuum. There are plenty of things that will be changing for me, and like everyone, I can only hope for the best. The idea of God's plan for us as humans has never been more comforting to me. A single question can lead to an entire encyclopedia collection of answers and if life is as it appears to be it's probably more like an entire Wikipedia collection - things aren't ever fully answered and citations are often missing. However accepting that we are built in certain ways isn't always a bad thing. That God's plan isn't always destiny, fate, wrong, right or filled with temptations that we have to atone for later in some way. That it is a blue print with a fail-safe; ultimately we are always supported if we choose to see the world that way. We can all only do the best that we can and in doing so we become the greatest versions of who we are. There are some variables in our identities that we have to accept to make it through the moments where those qualities were ascribed to us. But they are just variables and regardless of how we are hard wired we can only be sure of one thing and that is if we allow this world to change us then it will, for better or worse. But if we allow this world to teach us then the lessons that we learn as a soul, as a part of God, as a piece of the puzzle of history we can exit this world, or any chapter of our life, as ourselves - improved.
I have a better idea of who I am and the variables that I am not. I'm looking forward to thirty.
